After the Boxes are Unpacked

Technically...we still have some boxes that are packed.  You know what makes me never want to move again?  

Unpacking!  

This time, we are unpacking some boxes we'd last touched almost three years ago.  

Dear Salvation Army, I'm coming your way soon.  I'd love to say something noble like living in South Africa showed us how much we really don't need.  It really did.  Buuuuut, never having to re-pack and move this stuff again could also play a teensy weensy role in our desire to clear some things out.  

Dear Children.  I hope this helps you one day when Dad and I are gone and you don't have to wonder what to do with all this STUFF.  There are some things I just can't imagine you having to find a place for one day...like 30 years worth of yearbooks??!!  We will keep the love letters your dad and I exchanged and the footlocker of baseball cards (we can't afford to invest in gold so, when your dad was between about seven and 17, he planned waaaay ahead and invested in baseball cards) and other more sentimental memorabilia.  But the ENTIRE BOX OF BRAND NEW SOCKS?  Some of the knickknacks?  They're gone. You will be grateful for this one day, I promise.  

Dear Blog.  You have been neglected.  I'm so sorry.  To begin to make up for this, I've copied and pasted the below entry from FB.  This is what's known as a start.  I have had lots of thoughts the last months but little energy to figure out how to put them together in a way that means anything.

So, here is my best effort of late.  A blog title that isn't even fitting and a copied and pasted FB entry.  

I went to a Bible study called "Just Moved," based on the book, "After the Boxes are Unpacked." Even after many moves as a military brat and the last three years of moves, this move has been one of the harder ones. I've heard re-entry could be a beast.  And, well, confirmed.  While I KNOW God has incredible worldwide work for us to do from Texas, there is a reality that leaving SA came with a lot of sorrow and confusion as to why God was moving us from such fruitful ministry and people we loved. I said many prayers, face to the ground in desperation, begging God to let us stay. So, yes, grief has been a real thing for me the last months.

Don't get me wrong, going where we can have the most impact for God's Kingdom, even when that means giving up some really precious parts of our lives, is what we want. I trust God wouldn't have led us back to Texas if good things weren't ahead. BUT, goodness. When the heart LOVES, the heart can GRIEVE.

In our small groups, we shared some emotions that come with uprooting...depression, loss of identity, grief, anxiety, bitterness, fear, comparisons, etc. To my left, one woman shared her greatest struggle is loss of identity. To my right, a woman shared her bitterness and grief as so much of making sure her kids transition well and the oversight of their home build falls on her while her husband is at work. Across from me, a woman in her late 50s shared what it felt like starting over with friendships at her age.

I felt a lot of things in that little room with 23 other women new to Austin and five leaders committed to walking this road with us. I felt hope and encouragement. I felt affirmed that my roller coaster of emotions is normal. I felt a little less lonely. I felt compassion watching the two ladies on either side of me break down in tears. I know they will be okay but I also know this is a process. I felt convicted that I need to be MUCH better at welcoming women who are new to my town/my church/my neighborhood, etc. At least I'm from Texas and have some roots here. So many of these women are from across the country and I can't imagine how different Texas can feel. People are moving to this great state in droves. Are we welcoming them well?

I needed this group of broken-hearted but hopeful women today. I'm so glad God knows my heart and gave me this. I'm so glad He gave all of us a need to connect and belong. We were made to walk this life together!

In a few hours, I get to see our ESL women again. They are experiencing a another level of adjustment. Please pray they see Christ's LOVE in the leaders and feel warmly welcomed. Pray that doors are opened for new hope in Christ.

Sometimes the Rainbow's All You've Got

I'm not sure asking for help comes easily for many people.  And, anyone who knows us knows it's not our favorite.  In fact, Brian and I had our first married couple argument because Brian wouldn't borrow his neighbor's vacuum cleaner so he could get the security deposit back on his bachelor apartment.

I mean, we're from the South.  People forge their own way; the Republic of Texas, the Alamo and stuff.

Which is super until you're raising support and inviting people into your ministry is crucial to getting to minister.  The last three years have proven there are some incredibly beautiful (mind blowing, faith affirming) parts to being support-based.  I could give example after example of how God has provided these last three years.

But there are also some hard days that come with raising support.  I've had a few lately.  Truth is, I kinda feel beat up some days.  I know we're not alone.  We have quite a few friends who are walking this road.  The verdict is in.  This isn't for the faint of heart.

And, so, I've had some moments.  Moments when I just want to throw in the towel and get a "real job" that pays a salary.  One that doesn't put you in a position to feel like maybe someone didn't return a call or message because they're avoiding you and not just that it's summer and maybe people are BUSY. A job that doesn't mess with your mind because the last thing you want people to think is that you only want to be their friend so they can sustain your family and ministry.  A job where, when a dear friend ignores messages, it doesn't hurt so much.

Now, don't get me wrong.  Each of us enduring the process of raising support believes we are called to the work...or we wouldn't be enduring the process.  (Obviously).  We are excited about what God's given us to do even if it means we go through some really heart-wrenching, faith testing months to get there.

Those moments sometimes lead to a real need to be real with God.  Last week, I took five or six laps around our apartment complex while I "got real" with God.  And, boy, was I in a mood.  I told Him how much I don't like how hard this is.  That other believers are great encouragement in ministry but can also be the reason people leave it.  That I didn't like that He took us out of South Africa and away from people whose lives blessed us so richly.  And, oh by the way, that I just wanted "normal" and "easy."

Because what is SO WRONG with WANTING NORMAL?  WANTING EASY? WANTING TO GO BACK TO WHAT WAS COMFORTABLE?

About the fifth lap (because I can talk a lot when I'm mad), I finally hushed a bit.  And, yeah, not all my prayers were angry prayers.  Some of them were throw my hands on my head in exasperation and whisper desperate, "Will You make this better, God?" prayers.

As I rounded a bend, I saw something I did NOT appreciate because I did NOT want to see it:  a rainbow.  A reminder of His promises.

At that moment, though, I clearly still needed some calming because I think I told God He could keep His rainbow.

Why, yes.  I was battle weary and mad.  (Obviously).

But, as He heard my barrage of heartache those five or six laps and as He walked with me, He stilled my heart.  He gently reminded me of this.

Had He given us normal...

Had He given us easy...

Had He given us comfort...

We would have missed out on all the incredible blessings of South Africa.

And that.

Was enough.

For me.

So, I'm going forward with a much calmer heart because He's reminded me He IS faithful and He IS worth it and He WILL provide.  

Sometimes the rainbow's all you've got.

And sometimes it's all you need to press on.

I Say Tomato...You Say Tamatie...

Oh.  My.  Goodness.

First, I feel for anyone trying to learn English.  I know it is ridiculously hard.  I felt some of your pain today.  The jump from 3rd grade Afrikaans to 4th might put me in the cuh-razy house.  Last year, Noah just had to learn vocabulary.  This first month of 4th grade, though, is huge leap into grammar.

For example, to make a word plural:

1.  If the word ends in "f" and it's a double vowel, you drop one vowel and add "we" to the end.  Stoof becomes stowe.

2.  BUT, if the word ends in "f" and it's a short vowel, you add "wwe" to the end.  Stof becomes stowwe.

3.  BUT, if the word does not end in "f" and has a short vowel, you double the consonant and add an "e."  Hek becomes hekke.

4.  OR, if the word does not end in "f" and has a long vowel, you take away one vowel and add an "e" at the end.  Baan becomes bane.

5.  If there are two vowels and they differ, you just add an "e."  Stoen becomes stoene.

6.  OR, if there are two vowels and they are separated by a consonant, you just add an "s."  Tafel becomes tafels.

I don't even want to begin to explain the rules on how to describe a word to make it smaller.  For example, a cup (kop) versus a small cup (koppie).  BUT, if the word has a short vowel sound and ends in "m" or "n," you double the consonant and add "etjie..."

Unless, OF COURSE, it ends in "m" and there's a long vowel sound, then you just add "pie." Because, what the heebie doo, of course.  Convert THAT into a smaller, plural heebie doo.

Now, the beauty of trying to understand these rules with Noah is that THE ENTIRE LIST OF RULES WAS WRITTEN IN AFRIKAANS.  So, not only did we have to learn the rules, we had to first figure out the explanation of the rules.  OH. MY. GOODNESS.