Sometimes the Rainbow's All You've Got

I'm not sure asking for help comes easily for many people.  And, anyone who knows us knows it's not our favorite.  In fact, Brian and I had our first married couple argument because Brian wouldn't borrow his neighbor's vacuum cleaner so he could get the security deposit back on his bachelor apartment.

I mean, we're from the South.  People forge their own way; the Republic of Texas, the Alamo and stuff.

Which is super until you're raising support and inviting people into your ministry is crucial to getting to minister.  The last three years have proven there are some incredibly beautiful (mind blowing, faith affirming) parts to being support-based.  I could give example after example of how God has provided these last three years.

But there are also some hard days that come with raising support.  I've had a few lately.  Truth is, I kinda feel beat up some days.  I know we're not alone.  We have quite a few friends who are walking this road.  The verdict is in.  This isn't for the faint of heart.

And, so, I've had some moments.  Moments when I just want to throw in the towel and get a "real job" that pays a salary.  One that doesn't put you in a position to feel like maybe someone didn't return a call or message because they're avoiding you and not just that it's summer and maybe people are BUSY. A job that doesn't mess with your mind because the last thing you want people to think is that you only want to be their friend so they can sustain your family and ministry.  A job where, when a dear friend ignores messages, it doesn't hurt so much.

Now, don't get me wrong.  Each of us enduring the process of raising support believes we are called to the work...or we wouldn't be enduring the process.  (Obviously).  We are excited about what God's given us to do even if it means we go through some really heart-wrenching, faith testing months to get there.

Those moments sometimes lead to a real need to be real with God.  Last week, I took five or six laps around our apartment complex while I "got real" with God.  And, boy, was I in a mood.  I told Him how much I don't like how hard this is.  That other believers are great encouragement in ministry but can also be the reason people leave it.  That I didn't like that He took us out of South Africa and away from people whose lives blessed us so richly.  And, oh by the way, that I just wanted "normal" and "easy."

Because what is SO WRONG with WANTING NORMAL?  WANTING EASY? WANTING TO GO BACK TO WHAT WAS COMFORTABLE?

About the fifth lap (because I can talk a lot when I'm mad), I finally hushed a bit.  And, yeah, not all my prayers were angry prayers.  Some of them were throw my hands on my head in exasperation and whisper desperate, "Will You make this better, God?" prayers.

As I rounded a bend, I saw something I did NOT appreciate because I did NOT want to see it:  a rainbow.  A reminder of His promises.

At that moment, though, I clearly still needed some calming because I think I told God He could keep His rainbow.

Why, yes.  I was battle weary and mad.  (Obviously).

But, as He heard my barrage of heartache those five or six laps and as He walked with me, He stilled my heart.  He gently reminded me of this.

Had He given us normal...

Had He given us easy...

Had He given us comfort...

We would have missed out on all the incredible blessings of South Africa.

And that.

Was enough.

For me.

So, I'm going forward with a much calmer heart because He's reminded me He IS faithful and He IS worth it and He WILL provide.  

Sometimes the rainbow's all you've got.

And sometimes it's all you need to press on.