I Will Remember You

This one is for me.

And for him or her.

I met my first nephew today, Caleb Olsen. We drove to east Texas last night after Brian's sister-in-law went into early labor and had an emergency c-section. The boys were so excited to meet Caleb, play with cousin Anna and be with their Nana and Paco.

Oh, and the news that they would get to stay in a hotel overnight was total icing on the cake. In any of our vactions, it would be no exaggeration to say that hotel stays are what make the vacation for them. In fact, when I announced our spur of the moment trip to Tyler as I rushed to pack, I decided it would be easier to initially tell him we were heading east to stay in a hotel than it would be to explain what "being born" means.

Lord help me when I try to figure out how to deliver the birds and the bees talk someday.

The hotel was all they dreamed it would be. At least, until Noah mistook the fire alarm for our door knob in the dark hallway and accidentally set it off around midnight. I'm pretty sure he'll never again make that mistake, given that his little body shook and his voice quivered the entire forever it sounded off.

Poor Tyler. His understanding of "being born" now includes a frazzled woman frantically running around the house to pack, a long drive, fire alarms and staying up way past his 8:00 bedtime. Let's hope it's not actually like that when his children are being born someday.

It's an understatement to say we were excited to meet Caleb. A baby is always a reason to celebrate, but especially when it's your niece or nephew! Can I tell you how awesome it's going to be to hear myself called, "Aunt Jen" for the first time?!

Logically, I knew our 11 p.m. arrival would be too late to make the stop at the hospital on the way into town, but it still was disappointing when we realized it would be morning before we could see him. We all got ants in our pants waiting for 11 a.m. this morning, when we met up with Brian's family to go to the hospital. And while we had been warned that little kids (other than siblings) could not go into the mommy ward, I am so thankful for my brother-in-law's thoughtfulness (and lawlessness) in sneaking our boys in to see their cousin anyway. I've since learned you can carry any number of kids back into the mommy ward if you just act like they belong to you and also avoid all eye contact with anyone at the nurses' station as you smuggle them inside.

All that illegal migration of undocumented "siblings" was worth it. It was so special to see this bunch together...

Caleb is totally precious. Skin so perfect and countenance so sweet. He's so chilled out and I am so thrilled for my niece, his big sister, Anna. So. Thrilled. I have a little brother and he is one of my best friends. How can you top having a brother that loves you as you are, is forgiving and forgetting of your uglies and who would do anything for you, whether that be risking his life to protect you or eating the veggies you can't seem to get off your plate? Scott hasn't done the first, unless being a soldier counts...which I think it does. But, the veggie thing was an actual event. Being eight is so much easier when you have a little brother who will help you eat your veggies so you can be excused from the dinner table.

Because Brian and I were blessed with rockstar brothers, I can't wait for Anna to experience how very cool they can be. Once she gets past the "why is my Mommy holding that little thing and when is he leaving" stage, that is! She was so cute in how leery she was in meeting Caleb. I remember how slowly Noah took it all in those first few minutes. I know that Anna will warm up to her little brother in no time, just as Noah did.

In short, I love my little nephew and think he was born into a pretty wonderful family. It is such a joy and a blessing that we could be there to witness the beginning of Caleb's story.

We love you, Caleb, and we are so glad you are in our family!

Now...

I have gone back and forth about whether to include the rest of this because nothing in me wants to take anything away from this incredible time.

And even though I wasn't completely honest about my feelings with people I love today, I feel like I need to be honest here.

Today was a little hard for me, given that Katie and I were just three weeks apart in our due dates. When we got the news that Katie was in labor yesterday, I was surprised at how raw my heart still is over the baby we lost. I was not able to restrain my tears when I got the news. I felt both surprised and guilty. How could I be sad at at time like this?

Meeting Caleb today, so many emotions rushed over me...absolute awe at what God created, absolute joy over his life, absolute respect for his parents whom I know will raise him well, absolute excitement for Anna and her sibling...

And absolute grief that my arms will not hold our own little newborn in three weeks.

Grief that had to be held in check when I first held Caleb. Grief that I couldn't show when we walked out of the hospital and as we ate lunch with Brian's family.

What has been building up all day finally releases.

I write this because I want to remember what joy this day held. I do love this little boy called Caleb.

But, I also write this for someone else I love. Some little boy or girl I don't want to be forgotten.

I hope that all who read this will see my heart or will forgive me if they don't. I am thrilled about Caleb's arrival and how beautiful it is, this new family of four. I am sad because I can't help but think of the little baby I lost.

Somehow, I think it's okay that those opposing feelings exist in my heart and that it is okay to simultaneously be happy for someone and sad about someone else.

So, God, I trust that you will do something with this someday. I know you hold the bigger picture behind my two miscarriages and I ask, even if I never see that bigger picture, that your peace will pour over and be evident in me. I hope you get so much glory from this.

And, please, God, hold my two little treasures in heaven extra tight for me tonight.

Thanks, God. I love you.