Oh, I Wish I Had An Oscar Mayer Weiner

A few weeks ago, our Mothers of Preschoolers (MOPS) group had a seminary professor as a guest speaker. His talk was about teaching your kiddos about sex. Obviously, our little ones are too young to really grasp the entire concept, but he gave his opinion about what age to start introducing specific topics.

Starting with what to call your private parts.

He is of the opinion that children ought to know proper names for body parts from the start. I am indifferent to that opinion when it comes to someone else's children. I say teach them what you're comfortable with. Yes, it would oog me out to have a three year old walk up to me, replay the scene from Kindergarten Cop and deliver that famous one liner, "Boys have a p---- and girls have a v-----." But, to each his own.

However, for our household, "it" has always been addressed by it's proper scientific name - "weiner." Somehow, as Brian and I considered the vast list of options before us - willy, wee wee, tee tee'r, ding a ling and so on - we settled on "weiner."

And, as for "that," well, we just don't discuss Mommy's "that." I still can't write the word here, but I think I could handle using the proper term for men with the boys. HOWEVER, I GET ALL SQUEEMISH AND WANT TO GIGGLE AND RUN AWAY when I think of using the v word around my boys!!!! I even want to giggle when my gynecologist uses it. She does not think that is funny, though. So, for now, I'm at peace with the boys thinking I bring the fourth weiner to the family set.

At least I was until this professor's talk.

After his talk, I decided I'd like to be all progressive and secure with my privates and use the proper names like the cool, new millennium mommies do. The opportunity was perfectly presented when Tyler followed me into the bathroom one day. As he studied me sitting down, he asked, again, if I have a weiner. This is a topic of conversation, well, nearly everytime I go to the bathroom with an audience.

Don't you just love that precious, precious curiosity.

So, I sucked in my breath and decided this was the big day. We were going to have "the talk."

Not "that" talk, but the three year old version of "the talk."

I decided the best way was to make no big deal out of it and just state the facts. And this is what I gave him...

"Well, Tyler, you know what, girls don't have a, um, (cough), um, a...well, we don't have a...

Weiner."

Failure #1. Attempt #2...

"You know, Tyler, girls have a....(cough), um, mommies have....

Something Else."

Failure #2.

Attempt #1 to save the day and still be a fun, if not cool, progressive, new millennium Mommy with an abundance of maturity...

"Hey! Wanna go watch some cartoons?!"

I know, I know. I'm disappointed in myself, too. I thought I could do it, but, when the moment came, I couldn't make my lips go into those shapes and shove the words out.

But, you know what? That is why God made Blockbuster and why Arnold became an actor. And that is why, when they turn 13, we'll be renting Kindergarten Cop.

So what if I'm stuck in 1990? They made cool moms back then, too.