I Will Remember You

This one is for me.

And for him or her.

I met my first nephew today, Caleb Olsen. We drove to east Texas last night after Brian's sister-in-law went into early labor and had an emergency c-section. The boys were so excited to meet Caleb, play with cousin Anna and be with their Nana and Paco.

Oh, and the news that they would get to stay in a hotel overnight was total icing on the cake. In any of our vactions, it would be no exaggeration to say that hotel stays are what make the vacation for them. In fact, when I announced our spur of the moment trip to Tyler as I rushed to pack, I decided it would be easier to initially tell him we were heading east to stay in a hotel than it would be to explain what "being born" means.

Lord help me when I try to figure out how to deliver the birds and the bees talk someday.

The hotel was all they dreamed it would be. At least, until Noah mistook the fire alarm for our door knob in the dark hallway and accidentally set it off around midnight. I'm pretty sure he'll never again make that mistake, given that his little body shook and his voice quivered the entire forever it sounded off.

Poor Tyler. His understanding of "being born" now includes a frazzled woman frantically running around the house to pack, a long drive, fire alarms and staying up way past his 8:00 bedtime. Let's hope it's not actually like that when his children are being born someday.

It's an understatement to say we were excited to meet Caleb. A baby is always a reason to celebrate, but especially when it's your niece or nephew! Can I tell you how awesome it's going to be to hear myself called, "Aunt Jen" for the first time?!

Logically, I knew our 11 p.m. arrival would be too late to make the stop at the hospital on the way into town, but it still was disappointing when we realized it would be morning before we could see him. We all got ants in our pants waiting for 11 a.m. this morning, when we met up with Brian's family to go to the hospital. And while we had been warned that little kids (other than siblings) could not go into the mommy ward, I am so thankful for my brother-in-law's thoughtfulness (and lawlessness) in sneaking our boys in to see their cousin anyway. I've since learned you can carry any number of kids back into the mommy ward if you just act like they belong to you and also avoid all eye contact with anyone at the nurses' station as you smuggle them inside.

All that illegal migration of undocumented "siblings" was worth it. It was so special to see this bunch together...

Caleb is totally precious. Skin so perfect and countenance so sweet. He's so chilled out and I am so thrilled for my niece, his big sister, Anna. So. Thrilled. I have a little brother and he is one of my best friends. How can you top having a brother that loves you as you are, is forgiving and forgetting of your uglies and who would do anything for you, whether that be risking his life to protect you or eating the veggies you can't seem to get off your plate? Scott hasn't done the first, unless being a soldier counts...which I think it does. But, the veggie thing was an actual event. Being eight is so much easier when you have a little brother who will help you eat your veggies so you can be excused from the dinner table.

Because Brian and I were blessed with rockstar brothers, I can't wait for Anna to experience how very cool they can be. Once she gets past the "why is my Mommy holding that little thing and when is he leaving" stage, that is! She was so cute in how leery she was in meeting Caleb. I remember how slowly Noah took it all in those first few minutes. I know that Anna will warm up to her little brother in no time, just as Noah did.

In short, I love my little nephew and think he was born into a pretty wonderful family. It is such a joy and a blessing that we could be there to witness the beginning of Caleb's story.

We love you, Caleb, and we are so glad you are in our family!

Now...

I have gone back and forth about whether to include the rest of this because nothing in me wants to take anything away from this incredible time.

And even though I wasn't completely honest about my feelings with people I love today, I feel like I need to be honest here.

Today was a little hard for me, given that Katie and I were just three weeks apart in our due dates. When we got the news that Katie was in labor yesterday, I was surprised at how raw my heart still is over the baby we lost. I was not able to restrain my tears when I got the news. I felt both surprised and guilty. How could I be sad at at time like this?

Meeting Caleb today, so many emotions rushed over me...absolute awe at what God created, absolute joy over his life, absolute respect for his parents whom I know will raise him well, absolute excitement for Anna and her sibling...

And absolute grief that my arms will not hold our own little newborn in three weeks.

Grief that had to be held in check when I first held Caleb. Grief that I couldn't show when we walked out of the hospital and as we ate lunch with Brian's family.

What has been building up all day finally releases.

I write this because I want to remember what joy this day held. I do love this little boy called Caleb.

But, I also write this for someone else I love. Some little boy or girl I don't want to be forgotten.

I hope that all who read this will see my heart or will forgive me if they don't. I am thrilled about Caleb's arrival and how beautiful it is, this new family of four. I am sad because I can't help but think of the little baby I lost.

Somehow, I think it's okay that those opposing feelings exist in my heart and that it is okay to simultaneously be happy for someone and sad about someone else.

So, God, I trust that you will do something with this someday. I know you hold the bigger picture behind my two miscarriages and I ask, even if I never see that bigger picture, that your peace will pour over and be evident in me. I hope you get so much glory from this.

And, please, God, hold my two little treasures in heaven extra tight for me tonight.

Thanks, God. I love you.

His Imagination

I just love little kids' imagination. They have such a fun way of looking at the world. It's so hilarious to hear their thoughts and watch them figure this world out.


Sunday, Tyler and Zachary B. were in Sunday school class together. The teacher was not there yet, so some of the parents waited with their kids. Brian suddenly heard Zach's mom laugh and asked her what happened.


It seems as if the boys had turned their blocks into guns. They made "pyu pyu" sounds as they pretended to shoot each other. Zachary threatened, "My gun has ANTS in it!"


To which Tyler retorted, "My gun has spiders and HOT SAUCE in it!"


Hot sauce. Si. Indeed a weapon of mass destruction. It's wreaked havoc on my intestines a time or two. I don't know where Iran is getting its enriched uranium, but if that runs out, I suppose they could always make a run for the border and get themselves some hot sauce.

Noah Speaks Seuss

Imagine my delight when Noah opened a Dr. Seuss book and declared he would read to me last night. Imagine my surprise when he actually read big words I didn't realize he could conquer.

Oh boy, the joy when, oh that brain, they do employ! Wringle, wrangle, wrum, bang on a drum. A good book I do enjoy, when night has fallen and the toys are done.

In other words, I'm loving watching him fall in love with reading!

Y'all Want Some Rice With That?

Growing up a military brat, I was surrounded by diversity. Especially when we lived in Korea and there were many other hapas like me. It was easy to get through nearly my first half of life not giving any thought to whether my physical appearance made me stand out from my friends. Because it didn't. We were all different. I never looked in a mirror and caught myself thinking, "Why, hello, Asian girl! Why can I never tell if your eyes are open or closed? Want some rice?"

(Well, maybe the last part of that. I do love me some rice.)

Anyhoo, moving to Texas was an altogether different story. It started with going to high school in south Dallas. It became more obvious when I went to a university where the Asian population was about seven (the sushi chef, some math professors and me) and I started to notice something was way different.

Case in point, I offer you two photos taken on a boot scootin' night my fish year. Please glance quickly at them and then tell me who stands out like a sore Asian thumb wearing boots and an enormous belt buckle. With her pants hiked way up and needing an eyebrow plucking intervention.

I do wonder what those cowboys thought when they saw this crew of dancers and a lone math professor walking into Denim and Diamonds.

There's an episode of Golden Girls where one of the girls sits on a plane and starts speaking slowly and loudly to the Asian man sitting next to her. He spends the whole flight quietly accommodating her need to talk. It's not until much later in the episode that it's revealed that the guy actually has been able to understand her English the entire time and he, in fact, has a very heavy southern accent.

I can so relate! Most people don't assume I don't speak English (some only assume I am skilled at both chopsticks and nunchucks), but I wonder sometimes if it surprises them that I have a southern accent. And, this accent is not something I give much thought to until I'm out of the south. As in Colorado, for example, and it's only then that I realize I sound very well, southern. Beyond the "y'alls," there is a very distinct drawl I never hear until I'm north of the Mason Dixon. Suddenly I sound like I came with the last name Clampett and a Granny who thinks the South won the Civil War.

And, suddenly, I am aware of two things.

#1...I sound very Texan. #2...I feel very Asian. Funny how, when you mix the two, one makes the other stand out so much more.

Because you see a white girl with a southern accent and you think nothing of it. Or, you see an Asian girl with a Californian accent and no one pays much attention. BUT, you hear an Asian girl fixin to piddle with a do-hicky and you'd think I was three sheets to the wind. We're scarce as teeth on a hen, I tell y'all.

But it's not like I can go back on my raisin'. I am both Asian and Texan and I am proud.

And I am thankful. I give thanks because I can go to my parents house and eat both BBQ chicken and kimchi on the same day. One day, I opened up my parents' fridge to find some yummy kimchi soup. Mmm, there is just no way to put its deliciousness into words. I stood there in the cold fridge doorway and audibly offered thanks to God or my Dad (I don't remember which) for my Mom being Korean.

I do get the best of both worlds, y'all.

If You've Got It, Phlaunt It

I strolled around the Square the other day, something I rarely do. I had special ordered something for B's birthday, so I decided to kill some time while the welder was at work.

I could afford shopping on the Square if we could just stop feeding our kids just adore the Square. I love the atmosphere and the chance to browse in such a charming part of town. I can feel myself relaxing as I slowly stroll in and out of the stores there. I do enjoy a good window shop, even if I don't buy anything.

I stepped into one whimsical looking store and noticed this belt buckle...

Which, I guess if you're going to carry around some baby fat, you may as well own it and bling it up. Shake what 'cha baby gave ya!

And, I've decided to start addressing my baby fat as baby phat. I did go to high school in south Dallas, so I like to think my fat cells have a little hip hop in them. They are just in there, dancing around to some Will Smith. My mid-section is getting Jiggy With It.

I found out later that Baby Phat is actually an upscale urban clothing line. I thought this buckle was just a clever way to own your belly phat. I guess when your clothing line comes from Old Navy and Target, you kind of lose your hip hop fashion knowledge somewhere along the way.

Incidentally, we've been needing a new toilet paper holder. So, here is what the welder made for Brian.

We will, of course, be mounting that upside down as pictured. The Aggie Spirit is alive in our house. And in our bathroom.

So, holla. And, Gig'em.

Tyler & The Girl in the Purple Dress...& Samson & Delilah

We've noticed that Tyler has become more reserved since the big rejection at Sea World. He seems to not walk up to kids and start up friendships like he used to. I think something really stuck with him when that happened with those girls. He also recently told me that some girls are nice and some are mean.

Well, I think he's getting his groove back. He ain't afraid to get back on that horse, it seems. Brian picked him up from Sunday school this morning and asked if he had fun. To which he replied, "Yes." Brian asked what he did in class and he said, "I hugged the girl in the purple dress two times." When Brian asked why, he said, "Pee-cause she was nice."

Mmhmm...

After we got home, Tyler walked around with some binoculars held up to his eyes. When Brian asked what he was looking for, he replied, "the girl in the purple dress."

We're going to have to find this little girl in the purple dress and thank her for restoring Tyler's self confidence and faith in women. He hadn't been the same since he was wounded by those krool girls. This could be a great lesson in forgiveness and restoration. Sort of like Joseph's story in the Bible. I like a good teachable moment.

Then again, it's occured to me that we may also need to teach Tyler a different Bible story.

Samson was also a floppy haired boy who fell in love with a woman...whom he loved to hug...who turned out to be his downfall...

C is for Cookie

I think Brian is feeling a little sensitive about something.

And I don't blame him. He's got three cookie monsters living in this here house with him.

Cookies don't have a chance in our house. They have been known to disappear within a couple of days. Brian, being gone most of the day, misses out on his fair share.

And that makes him sensitive.

I baked a small batch after the kids were in bed. He told me he was going to put them up where the boys couldn't reach them.

I had no idea he meant 8 feet off the floor.

Frankly, I'm feeling a little sensitive myself. This goes beyond even my natural reach. I think he's trying to send a message as he seems to have gone through great lengths to make them inaccessible to even me.

I mean, you can't just reach the top of our cabinets unless you are Manute Bol or unless you have maneuvered your way onto the counter tops and then stood up to place the cookies above the cabinets.

I know this because I copied the maneuver later that night. Think he'll notice a missing cookie?

Summer 2009

Even though summer isn't officially over, it's officially over. School started for Brian at the end of August and the boys started preschool last week. And, while I love these precious little things, it's amazing how my blood pressure seems to rise with the level of noise in the house.

Some people take pride in maintaining a steady weight between doctors visits. My source of pride is maintaining healthy blood pressure. Seriously, I cannot wait until they strap on that cuff and become amazed. 110/70, baby.

So, yes, preschool helps me maintain my solid gold performance when it comes to those blood pressure cuffs. But, man, it was a good summer...

• We kicked it off with some Memorial Day fun at the Fort Worth Stockyards and Burger Lake. Yee haw and tattoos.


• My dad, the boys and I drove to Denver for my cousin's wedding. Kansas...wow, you are enormous.


• Brian went to Extreme Camp as a counselor with our youth group. Fun times. Hot times (Oklahoma June + broken A/C = sweat).


• The boys went to visit Brian's family and got to experience the thrill that is Wonderland Park. Oooh, how this family loves us some log riding fun.


• Brian went bald. By razor. By choice.


• The boys made it through their first full movie at the theater. The fact that I'm documenting this should tell you how enormously significant it is. Our boys = ANTS in their pants.


• My cousin, Abbey, came and stayed with us for a few days and went to VBS with us. Highlight of my summer - I was with her when she began her relationship with Jesus.


• We celebrated our nation's independence with some friends who cleverly brought along some light sticks to keep the kids entertained before the fireworks. What was not so clever was the gigantic Curves hot air balloon inflated right before the fireworks started. Nothing says, "Happy Independence Day, America" like a gigantic Curves balloon amidst the fireworks.


• Brian and I went to YoungLife camp in Colorado and signed on to work with the sophomore class. If you start to notice me adding letttttersss to my spelllllinnngggg, it's totally because I'm under the influence of teens.


• We celebrated the lives of some incredibly precious people, Connor Cruse and Yallo David. Connor would have been nine at the beginning of October. He valiantly battled cancer and made more lasting impact than most of us could hope to leave. Please pray for his family as they mark Connor's first birthday in heaven. And, Yallo...a warrior as well.


• And, as we remember God takes away, we also remember that He gives. We are getting ready to welcome another precious person to planet Earth. Caleb Olsen, our first nephew, will be here October 5th!

What else?

• The boys honed their swimming skills. Noah can swim across the width of our pool and do somersaults off the wall (Momma did NOT teach him that. Hint: a bald headed man did.) As for Tyler, he loves to take his time floating/drifting towards us with an occasional kick. He always comes up smiling. Such his personality. He also can hold his breath like a saltwater crocodile. Well, maybe not three hours like a crocodile, but, man, it's impressive. And it also comes in handy when you rely solely on drifting to get you places.


• There was also a considerable amount of slip n sliding. How fun to see them playing a toy we played with as children. Except we didn't have poufy inflated pillows at the end to stop us from launching face first right off the nice wet slide and into the rocks and burrs. Yeah, y'all know what I'm talking about. Children have it so easy these days.


• Tyler turned three and had his first official birthday party. He had a party where he could show off his breath holding skills in the pool as well as his slip and slide techniques on the park lawn.


• The boys got bunk beds for their birthdays. And we are still wondering why we thought it was a grand idea to put these two in the same room.


• We took a vacation to San Antonio with my parents. Sea World couldn't contain us. Or the salt water that Shamu sloshed around. And Tyler has never been the same since he had his heart broken.


• Brian got to see the Cowboys at training camp. The world could never be so right for him as during those 147 minutes.


• Noah celebrated his fifth birthday with some bowling. He had his first official birthday party and decided to take it to Strikz. What's more insane than taking six rambunctious boys to a darkened room with loud music and letting them hurl 7 lb. balls as if it were a timed event? And then feeding them cake? Nothing.


• Tyler learned how to write a "T." Just four more letters to learn before he can write his name. And only four more after that before he can write, "loves Mommy." Amazing how nine letters can make your day. And lower your blood pressure.


• We went to a high school football game where the boys sat through an entire game for the first time ever. (Brian thinks that means they're ready for a Rangers game on Saturday. I had to remind him THAT is a test of even my ability to sit still. Since we're not even in contention anymore, does that mean we still stay all nine innings?)


• Noah learned to ride a bike without training wheels. He did it completely on his own for the first time today. Pretty special.


• We got to see a space shuttle and the International Space Station in orbit. I think the boys were underwhelmed. They don't get the giddies over space, the final frontier, like Brian and I do.

So, here is my first attempt at a slideshow. Here's our summer 2009!

Ah, these are "the good ol' days" indeed.

To Boldy Go Where Only John Travolta Can Go

Tyler came across my sunglasses the other day.

Bless his heart, they moved him to spontaneously strike a disco pose.

And I suddenly had the urge to dig up a leisure suit for Brian, put some go go boots and a mini on and watch some Saturday Night Fever.

That Final Frontier Thing

We took the boys out the other night to see the space shuttle and International Space Station. The shuttled had undocked from the International Space Station (ISS) earlier that afternoon and both were briefly visible orbiting in tandem. We were so excited to introduce space exploration to the boys and really talked it up that day.

Except, really, their eyes kind of glazed over when we tried to explain the International Space Station thingamajig.

I had to leave right after the sighting, so we drove to the end of our street where we'd spotted a crowd gathering to witness this historic event.

Until we got to the end of the street and realized it was really just a kids' football team ending practice and we were the only space nerds there to witness this historic event.

Kids these days...they think space shuttles are a dime a dozen. They hear "moonwalk" and they think of Michael Jackson.

Okay...I do, too, but that's besides the point.

Anyway, as thrilled as our boys were at the chance to go outside after bedtime, sit on our car roof and look for this thing called a space shuttle, I guess it was so dark they didn't hear me count to three and tell them to smile...

An astronomy teacher at Brian's school sent out a message earlier that day that he believed there were only six more shuttle missions planned and that this may have been the last opportunity to see the two orbiting so close together. He told us to look for two bright white dots that moved briskly towards the northeast.

So, after just a few short minutes of watching the dark Texas sky, we suddenly noticed two bright dots appear.

And while the dots were a lot more visible to the naked eye, I tried to capture the historic moment with the camera. Good to know that if I'd been unable to find the dots in my lenses, I could've later just snapped a pic in a dark closet and declared it a space shuttle photo.

If you wipe the dust off your monitor and look really closely while squinting, you might see the two dots placed vertically in the pic. I prefer to remember it in my heart.

Two flying objects. The vast outerness of space. The Final Frontier.

I leave you with something to ponder..."Space is almost infinite. As a matter of fact, we think it is infinite." Dan Quayle (Whoe maye stille be ponderinge this.)

Yep, He's Good...All the Time

Words you should never say to someone who's hurting...

It could always be worse.

Words I tell myself all the time when I'm hurting...

It could always be worse.

Ironic, huh?

Tyler failed a vision test at his three year visit last week. His left eye passed while his right eye failed three times. I knew something was wrong when he passed in one eye and failed in the other. It couldn't have been the equipment in that case. I figured the boys would one day need glasses if they inherited my blind as a bat vision. However, I had always hoped that would come much later in life - like at least 6th grade, when I first got glasses.

T's been diagnosed with astigmatism in both eyes. He can still see, though he has some slightly blurred vision. It turns out astigmatism is hereditary and the doctor assured me it has nothing to do with how many carrots he eats or how much t.v. he watches, but guess what we'll be eating more of and doing less of the next few months anyway?

The astigmatism only causes concern if there is a significant difference in the eyes. Over time, the brain will make less connections with the weaker eye. T's doctor wants to see him again in six months to see if the difference increases. If so, he will need glasses.

And while I think Aaden Gosselin is so precious in his glasses, I shudder to think of how life would be for T in glasses. Do they make titanium lenses and frames? Because has LensCrafters seen the way my boys rough house?! And who will wipe raindrops from his glasses if I'm not with him? (Because, you know, Dallas is like Seattle's long lost rainfall sibling.) Will he be wearing two inch thick lenses by the time he's ten?

I know I have to tell myself to slow it down. We have another six months before we'll know anything.

So, we wait. And pray for improvement or no change in his vision until then.

In the meantime, I'm very blessed to be surrounded by incredible friends. When I posted the diagnosis on Facebook, I wrote, "T has astigmatism in both eyes and will have to be checked in six months to see if he'll need glasses. Almost cried when I heard that because he's only three! But, I have to have perspective. There are so many mommas worried about their kids for bigger health issues. I will just pray that his eyes get better, not worse, in the next six months!"

Several friends soon posted about their experiences with glasses at a young age (and assured me glasses can survive boyhoodness). Others encouraged me with their prayers and some even shared that their vision improved with age. Man, I really do have great friends and am grateful for the time they took to post their thoughts. It means a lot when people care about your kids.

One friend's private message struck me the most, though. I love being challenged to consider things differently and have always respected Loren's outlook on life. What he said really gave me reason to reconsider how I was looking at this diagnosis. He wrote...

"Sorry to hear about T. I once had a conversation with Steph about her thoughts on the conversation piece that goes like this, "Just found out my kid is going to need to have .... I need to have perspective though because God is good. I know there are other kids out there with worse issues like cancer or ...."

What do you do when you're the parent whose kid has the "worse" issue? Do you always compare upwards to a "worser" (I know that's not a word) issue?

Point is - God is good no matter the issue. Whether my kid needs braces, glasses, or needs chemo, God is good!"

RICH stuff, huh? So good that I spent my whole shower and time getting ready pondering what Loren shared. It pretty much rocked how I've looked at trials all my life. I thought I was doing pretty good to have a Pollyanna-esque attitude about life in general. My college best friend and I even played the "At Least" game, similar to Pollyanna's Glad Game, anytime life gave us lemons. But, I'm now realizing I was way off the mark because I always stopped short of the bigger picture.

And that is that God is good all the time.

Because, as Loren rightly pointed out, there are some people battling terminal illnesses, parents who have lost children, babies dying because their moms can't feed them...for them, it's pretty much as bad as it can get. What do they get to say to themselves to gain some comfort? For them, it really couldn't be worse.

So, do we focus on what's not so bad or do we focus on what we know is always good?

After all that thinking, I've decided I'm reserving, "It could always be worse," for a bad poker hand, a bad haircut or an invasion of crickets.

But for the larger things in life, I will no longer tell myself, "It could always be worse." Instead, I want to give God the credit He's due for being faithful and in control and GOOD no matter what comes my way.

So, glasses or not for Lil T, I'm telling myself God IS good and He is good ALL the time!

(Oh, and stocking up on carrots, too).

I Feel the Need...to Read

I need to start a reading list because I keep coming across books I want to check out and then I forget them.

So, here's my reading list so far...

Baking Cakes in Kilgali
Man's Search For Meaning
The Hole in Our Gospel
The Blue Parakeet
Crazy Love - have read portions of it and listened to Chan's podcasts, but ready to read the thing!

I like books that challenge how I live out my faith. Specifically, I love books on missions or any topic that challenges me to think outside myself and my comfort zone.

I also love books set in Africa. Me and Jerry Maquire love us some...well, you know.

In fact, if you're looking for an incredible true story about Rwanda, I highly recommend Left To Tell. It's one of my all-time favorites. Amazing. I was in high school in 1994, worrying about making district in swimming and passing Pre-Cal while this woman witnessed her friends slaughtered and hid out for 91 days in a cramped bathroom.

So, if you've read any good books you could hardly put down, could you please comment and help me add to my reading list?

The Shack has been a best seller but I'm not sure it really hooked me. Did it start that way for you? Should I restart it? Is it sound material or bogus?

And while Francine Rivers and Dr. Seuss are some of my favorite authors, I think I'd mostly like to stick to nonfiction for now.

And I'm gonna add right now...I'm not really dying to sink my teeth into any vampire books, so no Edward Cullen for me.

Yet.