12:01 a.m.

One of these things is not like the others,

One of these things just doesn't belong.

Can you tell which thing is not like the others

By the time I finish my song?

Toe-may-toe, Toe-mah-toe...Breasts, Ribs

I have a long-seated hesitancy in telling our boys proper names for certain body parts. (The private ones if that wasn't obvious).

It is irrational. It is immature. It is something I need to get over, I know.

I'm trying to overcome that by easing into it. Having a new baby has allowed me some opportunities are you kidding me, I have nothing sacred left to hide to step out of my comfort zone. In those first days of healing, especially, nothing remained covered up. Airing out my incision, changing pads, my catheter bag...they witnessed it all.

"BREASTfeeding," in particular, was one of my first hurdles to clear. Believe me, I was tempted to call it "nursing" or "suckling" and be done with it. But then I felt like a Puritan or a pig farmer and everyone knows Asian girls look funny in curly wigs and those accordion neck collars aren't practical in this Texas heat anyway.

So, I stepped out with breastfeeding. The two words used together posed no threat to my conservative soul. It was the BREAST part that I didn't want to explain or hear the boys using. Noah has, for some reason, taken to calling them "paddies" over the last year. I have no idea why, only that I never bothered to correct him. I mean, come 25 years old, yeah, I'll correct him. Who wants a married man calling them paddies, after all?

Unless his wife is named Patty. Then it would be fine to call them "Patty's."

I do want to mention that the boys also call nipples "nickels." Which we've never corrected either. But mostly because we think it's cute.

Our boys are going to be confused come sex ed or anatomy class.

It turns out saying "BREASTfeeding" and calling them "BREASTS" wasn't difficult once I said those words for the first few times. And it was all working out well and good and I felt like I'd finally laid aside the accordion collar and joined the 21st century.

Until Tyler walked into the kitchen today and announced that his breasts were hurting.

Confused, we looked down to see him pointing at the base of his ribs. Nowhere near his "breasts."

Back to square one.

And the 17th century.

A Time to Scatter Stones and a Time to Search

Tonight was one of those nights I hope to always to remember. Sometimes I actually ask God to help me have memory snapshots of moments like these where I can think back years from now and remember just how rich it was when our kids were young. But, lest I have a lapse in my memory, I suppose that's what this ol' blog is for.

Anyway, after we grilled some steaks and fixins, we decided to surprise the boys with a late evening firefly hunt. Oh, how I love the easy-going-ness of summer.

We walked down toward our neighborhood park and positioned ourselves in a grove of trees. While we spotted several fireflies, we were never able to get close enough to catch them. Hindsight is such a humorous thing. It turns out that spraying on gobs of insect repellent before going hunting for bugs is counterproductive. Ya think? We caught exactly zero fireflies. Next time we'll know we must make blood sacrifices and possibly risk the West Nile virus in order to secure such treasures as fireflies. But does anyone disagree it is worth it to have that jar full of lit up bugs at your bedside all night?

Anyway, after our lack of success with fireflies, we did the next best thing and let the boys run down to the playground and have some fun. I just love summer nights with no set schedules and places we have to be in the morning. It was pitch dark by then and Brian and I made our way over to the benches to watch the boys. And, as I ungracefully stretched out my pregnant self on the bench and laid my head in Brian's lap, we watched our offspring do what all puppies, bear cubs and children do best...PLAY.

You know those times where your blood pressure drops and your breathing slows down? I don't mean the kind where you are near death and you see angels flocking overhead, but the kind where everything negative fades away and all you see is the blessing before you. Well, that was tonight. Total contentment.

The boys found a new bug to hunt, June bugs, and gathered up at least 15 of them. We were far enough apart that I couldn't hear every word, but I delighted in their squeals with each new catch and watched their silhouettes run toward us, prizes in fist. Tyler, with his floppy hair, and Noah, with his steady-footed run. They showed us most of the bugs and we pretended to admire every one of them there in the pitch dark. After securing the bugs in the jar, they ran back to the lamp post across the playground and kept up the hunt. At some points, they dug through the pebbles and Tyler did some spontaneous somersaults. Because if there's one thing that makes this kid want to do somersaults, it's catching bugs. He also made a couple of pebble angels, which are similar to snow angels except that it's June and it's Texas and we barely remember what snow looks like by now.

I love watching the boys explore and soak in the wonder of God's creation. Except when it's 95 degrees and I'm swelling and I just want to sit in a dark room with a fan turned on high. Which is why it is a good thing for us to venture out when it's pitch dark. I asked Brian several times what he thought the boys were saying to each other or what he thought they were thinking about. Children are the coolest things. I often wish I could think like they think, just living in the moment and being fascinated by simple things. It filled my heart so much to see them being each other's best friend. Brian mentioned that he's kind of sad Anniston won't know her brothers at this age. By the time she's ready to go exploring for bugs, the boys will probably have moved on to other things, like video games. I wondered if they'd still squeal during bug hunts and RUN full speed to show us their catches at ages seven and nine when she's three. I sure hope so. I don't think I'll still want that for them at ages seventeen and nineteen because that would just be weird, but I could use a few more years of this childlike delight in my life. It's good for my soul.

I doled out a couple of half-hearted warnings that we had just five minutes left before we had to go, but I knew I really didn't mean them even when I spoke them. Someday, I will remember watching my boys catching June bugs under the light of that lamp post and not that they went to bed on time. And how they chased after that rabbit full speed (supersonic speed, as Tyler says) believing they really would catch it. I will, hopefully, remember the smallness of their busy bodies while they squatted low to the ground and dug through the pebbles. I hope I recall the way the lamp light shone down on their hair that remained shiny despite the dust. And how they romped through the unsteady pebbles to get to us. My heart will treasure the way they kept up their excited chatter even though I couldn't hear every word they said. Just watching them being brothers and deepening their best friendhood is enough for me.

And, when we finally did leave, Noah carefully protected the jar of treasures tightly in his arms while Tyler sat tall on his Daddy's shoulders and brushed his hands through every branch we went under. The boys took a shower to get all the pebble dust off and then hung out with me in the living room for awhile. Noah was so busy talking to me about his upcoming birthday (in two months), he didn't notice Brian sneak up until he had him tackled. Of course, Tyler just joined in the dogpile and there were more squeals of delight. And, again, I loved watching my three guys being buddies and deepening their best friendhood.

Although I have to say that wrestling right before bed, it turns out, is also counterproductive.

Doggone hindsight.

Concealed Weapons Cache

Anyone else ever open a kitchen drawer and discover you're packin' heat?


Good to know that if anyone ever tries to get a jump on me while I'm slaving over a pot of spaghetti, I'll have the last word.

Honey, I Love You, But...

Anyone ever play Honey, I Love You, but I Just Can't Smile?

Noah LOVES this game.

Basically, the other player tries to get you to laugh while you try to maintain composure.

Noah's problem is that he's the most laughing-est kid I know. He will laugh at anything.

And he should know by now that I have so little dignity I'm willing to do just about anything to win this game.

Oh, he did his best. He even did the "look elsewhere to calm yourself down" method.

But he ultimately couldn't resist cracking a smile.

Oh, yeah. He's about to lose it. Quick! Somebody tell him we haven't seen his cat in over two weeks and I'm guessing it became bobcat or coyote meal.

Too late...It's a lost cause.Brian decided to capture one round for posterity. And, also for proof when he tries to admit me to the nuthouse someday.



We will celebrate our tenth anniversary Thursday. Brian can't believe what a lucky guy he is. He would tell you he doesn't deserve me.

He really doesn't deserve me.

An Aboriginal Nightmare

With the return of Amazing Race and American Idol, we have watched very little of the winter Olympics. We've seen snippets of downhill racing and we witnessed the end of the hockey game when the U.S. beat Canada (USA! USA!). However, trying to convince Brian to watch ice skating should be an Olympic event in itself.

After much wailing and gnashing of teeth on his part, I finally got him to watch some of the ice dancing.

It began well enough. Unfortunately, as soon as these two Russian skaters appeared on t.v., I knew my case was forever lost.

And then they did this.

This didn't help my case.

And this sealed the deal.

Things I Look Forward To

1. The lighting just before the sun sets.

2. When the boys have finally fallen into slumber and no one needs water, a potty trip, bandaids or anything else they can think of.

3. The day my kids invite Jesus into their heart.

4. Christmas decorations going up! And I am one of those that doesn't mind if they go up the day after Halloween.

5. Spring weather.

6. November 2, 2010. If you have to look up what happens on that date, it's as if you don't know me at all. I'll give you a hint. I just got a little blue card in the mail the other day and it was like I won the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

7. Massages.

8. The boys' hugs first thing in the morning and after school. Brian's, too.

9. Brian coming home from work. You mommas know what I mean!

10. Vacations.

11. The moment when all the groceries are finally put away instead of sitting on my floor where I dump them after I walk in from an exhausting trip with two rambunctious boys.

12. The day Brian and I can call Dave Ramsey and yell, "We're debt free!" That will be awhile.

13. Hugging my family when I get off that plane in two days...

That last one is second best of all, just behind #3.

Things I Dread

1. That moment right before the shot needle plunges in.

2. Splashing cold water on my face first thing in the morning.

3. Confrontation.

4. Surgeries.

5. Getting the kids ready for bed.

6. The boys waking up way earlier than I'm ever ready.

7. The alarm clock.

8. Getting family pics made.

9. Police cruiser lights in my rearview mirror.

10. Taking tests.

11. Shopping for clothes.

12. Going to the DMV.

13. Long lines.

14. Waking Noah. I would rather wake a sleeping momma bear by stepping on her cubs' heads.


15. Saying goodbye to my family when I head back to South Africa in five days.

That last one is the hardest of all.

No Dreaming Here!

It's Christmas Eve and we've had a couple of Christmas miracles.

First, is this...
It was in the mid-70's yesterday. We are now several hours into this falling snow and our temps are in the 20's. Welcome to Texas, y'all.

It's the first time in over 80 years this area has had a white Christmas.

The second miracle of note was that the boys went to bed without any arguing or stalling. Any parent can appreciate what a miracle that truly is. Noah was in bed in exactly 2.8 seconds. And I think he may be giving himself hives over the fact that Brian and I are still awake. We've been tracking Kris Kringle via NORAD and when Noah proclaimed that Santa was on the southern tip of Texas, nothing in us desired to tell him it was actually Argentina and that Santa still had a ways to go. When a kid's actually motivated to get in bed one of 365 days, why fight a good thing? Merry Christmas to me.

This is our first Christmas Eve to spend as just the four of us. Tomorrow, we'll wake up to our own Santa gifts and enjoy a new tradition of spending Christmas morning at home. As part of that tradition, we read the Christmas story at bedtime, stripped of any jolly old men, merry little elves or toys made in China (do kids ever notice that?!). No, this was the original and true Christmas story - simple, signed into Old Testament prophecy, sealed in the form of a little baby and delivered with love. The very best gift ever.

But Noah, in all his panic, didn't think we had time to read AN ENTIRE BOOK. It started off well enough, with Brian asking the boys what Christmas is all about. In the Christmas video at school, Tyler enthusiastically replied, "Opening presents!" while Noah solemnly stated, "Jesus." I suppose Tyler has come a little way since then, as tonight's response was, "Giving presents." And, when Brian asked Noah what happened to Jesus that we celebrate at Christmas, his answer was, "He died on the cross."

Holy cow. Are these the two same kids who are at church twice a week and who attend a Christian preschool?!

Anyway, it about killed Noah that we had to read AN ENTIRE BOOK while Santa was still wishing Feliz Navidad to some kids south of here. So, in protest, this is how he spent our special Christmas story time while Tyler was all ears.

Incidentally, I think my OCD has filtered over into Noah. When most kids leave a note for Santa, they express their undying love and appreciation for the jolly fellow. At the very least, they wish Santa safe travels or remember to thank him for coming by.

But then there are letters like this...

Because when your dad has had to lay the flooring four times due to a stubborn dip in the concrete, I suppose you feel like you have to explain why your sorry parents never got a Christmas tree up under which Santa is supposed to present his yearly offerings.

Indeed, this is the first year we will go without a tree. It's kind of sad, but between my SI joint being out, traveling, our floor and the fact that I head to South Africa on New Year's Day, we decided to go without. The only thing I have out is one little nativity scene, which, really, is the focal point of the season anyway.

And, as the children are nestled all snug in their bed, I suppose Brian and I should relieve Noah of his stress and get our cap and 'kerchief and our long winter's nap on.

We wish you and yours a warm and joyous Christmas. We are so thankful for and humbed by all the blessings God pours over us. Most of all, for the little babe born in a barn because His Daddy loves us so much.

And, Feliz Navidad, Santa. See you soon!

Educatin' & Indoctrinatin' & Goofinatin'

This video is for family, Old Glory lovers across the United States of de America and for those who need a refresher on our solar system. Also people who don't mind spending 4 minutes of their life watching other people's kids' shenanigans.

This is not for people who actually know what Galatians 5:13 says or those who get grossed out by spit. Clearly we have some work to do.


This video is a public service announcement for MISD parents - this man is teaching your kids. At least we can be thankful Brian is an (amazing) engineering teacher and not an earth science teacher. I apologize in advance for our irreverent mockery of global warming. I blame our behavior on global warming.



Noah has clearly been studying the solar system at school. Today, he announced that Uranus is his favorite planet. Logic told me Noah is too young for little boy jokes about Uranus, but I still nervously braced myself as I replied, "Oh yeah? Why is that?" To which he said, "Because Uranus is blue and blue is suh-weeeet!"

Suh-weeeet sigh of relief.

Tech vs. Fuzzy

Brian was an architecture major, taught math for eight years and is now teaching engineering design.

I was a business major.

We played Old Maid during family game night a couple nights ago.

I don't know how much our degrees are an indication of our personalities, but the following made me laugh aloud when I noticed it. Here are our two piles of matching cards. I think they are very indicative of our personalities. Given what you know about our degrees, I'll let you decide which pile was Brian's and which was mine.

Work With Me

Hey Barkley, remember that time I vacuumed your fur off our couch? Remember how I painstakingly ran that Dirt Devil over and over our couch, carefully going over each crease to remove all bits of you from it? Remember how I laid your cozy bed next to the couch so you could still be near us? Remember that?

As in, an hour ago?

Apparently not.

Noah Speaks Seuss

Imagine my delight when Noah opened a Dr. Seuss book and declared he would read to me last night. Imagine my surprise when he actually read big words I didn't realize he could conquer.

Oh boy, the joy when, oh that brain, they do employ! Wringle, wrangle, wrum, bang on a drum. A good book I do enjoy, when night has fallen and the toys are done.

In other words, I'm loving watching him fall in love with reading!

C is for Cookie

I think Brian is feeling a little sensitive about something.

And I don't blame him. He's got three cookie monsters living in this here house with him.

Cookies don't have a chance in our house. They have been known to disappear within a couple of days. Brian, being gone most of the day, misses out on his fair share.

And that makes him sensitive.

I baked a small batch after the kids were in bed. He told me he was going to put them up where the boys couldn't reach them.

I had no idea he meant 8 feet off the floor.

Frankly, I'm feeling a little sensitive myself. This goes beyond even my natural reach. I think he's trying to send a message as he seems to have gone through great lengths to make them inaccessible to even me.

I mean, you can't just reach the top of our cabinets unless you are Manute Bol or unless you have maneuvered your way onto the counter tops and then stood up to place the cookies above the cabinets.

I know this because I copied the maneuver later that night. Think he'll notice a missing cookie?

Summer 2009

Even though summer isn't officially over, it's officially over. School started for Brian at the end of August and the boys started preschool last week. And, while I love these precious little things, it's amazing how my blood pressure seems to rise with the level of noise in the house.

Some people take pride in maintaining a steady weight between doctors visits. My source of pride is maintaining healthy blood pressure. Seriously, I cannot wait until they strap on that cuff and become amazed. 110/70, baby.

So, yes, preschool helps me maintain my solid gold performance when it comes to those blood pressure cuffs. But, man, it was a good summer...

• We kicked it off with some Memorial Day fun at the Fort Worth Stockyards and Burger Lake. Yee haw and tattoos.


• My dad, the boys and I drove to Denver for my cousin's wedding. Kansas...wow, you are enormous.


• Brian went to Extreme Camp as a counselor with our youth group. Fun times. Hot times (Oklahoma June + broken A/C = sweat).


• The boys went to visit Brian's family and got to experience the thrill that is Wonderland Park. Oooh, how this family loves us some log riding fun.


• Brian went bald. By razor. By choice.


• The boys made it through their first full movie at the theater. The fact that I'm documenting this should tell you how enormously significant it is. Our boys = ANTS in their pants.


• My cousin, Abbey, came and stayed with us for a few days and went to VBS with us. Highlight of my summer - I was with her when she began her relationship with Jesus.


• We celebrated our nation's independence with some friends who cleverly brought along some light sticks to keep the kids entertained before the fireworks. What was not so clever was the gigantic Curves hot air balloon inflated right before the fireworks started. Nothing says, "Happy Independence Day, America" like a gigantic Curves balloon amidst the fireworks.


• Brian and I went to YoungLife camp in Colorado and signed on to work with the sophomore class. If you start to notice me adding letttttersss to my spelllllinnngggg, it's totally because I'm under the influence of teens.


• We celebrated the lives of some incredibly precious people, Connor Cruse and Yallo David. Connor would have been nine at the beginning of October. He valiantly battled cancer and made more lasting impact than most of us could hope to leave. Please pray for his family as they mark Connor's first birthday in heaven. And, Yallo...a warrior as well.


• And, as we remember God takes away, we also remember that He gives. We are getting ready to welcome another precious person to planet Earth. Caleb Olsen, our first nephew, will be here October 5th!

What else?

• The boys honed their swimming skills. Noah can swim across the width of our pool and do somersaults off the wall (Momma did NOT teach him that. Hint: a bald headed man did.) As for Tyler, he loves to take his time floating/drifting towards us with an occasional kick. He always comes up smiling. Such his personality. He also can hold his breath like a saltwater crocodile. Well, maybe not three hours like a crocodile, but, man, it's impressive. And it also comes in handy when you rely solely on drifting to get you places.


• There was also a considerable amount of slip n sliding. How fun to see them playing a toy we played with as children. Except we didn't have poufy inflated pillows at the end to stop us from launching face first right off the nice wet slide and into the rocks and burrs. Yeah, y'all know what I'm talking about. Children have it so easy these days.


• Tyler turned three and had his first official birthday party. He had a party where he could show off his breath holding skills in the pool as well as his slip and slide techniques on the park lawn.


• The boys got bunk beds for their birthdays. And we are still wondering why we thought it was a grand idea to put these two in the same room.


• We took a vacation to San Antonio with my parents. Sea World couldn't contain us. Or the salt water that Shamu sloshed around. And Tyler has never been the same since he had his heart broken.


• Brian got to see the Cowboys at training camp. The world could never be so right for him as during those 147 minutes.


• Noah celebrated his fifth birthday with some bowling. He had his first official birthday party and decided to take it to Strikz. What's more insane than taking six rambunctious boys to a darkened room with loud music and letting them hurl 7 lb. balls as if it were a timed event? And then feeding them cake? Nothing.


• Tyler learned how to write a "T." Just four more letters to learn before he can write his name. And only four more after that before he can write, "loves Mommy." Amazing how nine letters can make your day. And lower your blood pressure.


• We went to a high school football game where the boys sat through an entire game for the first time ever. (Brian thinks that means they're ready for a Rangers game on Saturday. I had to remind him THAT is a test of even my ability to sit still. Since we're not even in contention anymore, does that mean we still stay all nine innings?)


• Noah learned to ride a bike without training wheels. He did it completely on his own for the first time today. Pretty special.


• We got to see a space shuttle and the International Space Station in orbit. I think the boys were underwhelmed. They don't get the giddies over space, the final frontier, like Brian and I do.

So, here is my first attempt at a slideshow. Here's our summer 2009!

Ah, these are "the good ol' days" indeed.

That Final Frontier Thing

We took the boys out the other night to see the space shuttle and International Space Station. The shuttled had undocked from the International Space Station (ISS) earlier that afternoon and both were briefly visible orbiting in tandem. We were so excited to introduce space exploration to the boys and really talked it up that day.

Except, really, their eyes kind of glazed over when we tried to explain the International Space Station thingamajig.

I had to leave right after the sighting, so we drove to the end of our street where we'd spotted a crowd gathering to witness this historic event.

Until we got to the end of the street and realized it was really just a kids' football team ending practice and we were the only space nerds there to witness this historic event.

Kids these days...they think space shuttles are a dime a dozen. They hear "moonwalk" and they think of Michael Jackson.

Okay...I do, too, but that's besides the point.

Anyway, as thrilled as our boys were at the chance to go outside after bedtime, sit on our car roof and look for this thing called a space shuttle, I guess it was so dark they didn't hear me count to three and tell them to smile...

An astronomy teacher at Brian's school sent out a message earlier that day that he believed there were only six more shuttle missions planned and that this may have been the last opportunity to see the two orbiting so close together. He told us to look for two bright white dots that moved briskly towards the northeast.

So, after just a few short minutes of watching the dark Texas sky, we suddenly noticed two bright dots appear.

And while the dots were a lot more visible to the naked eye, I tried to capture the historic moment with the camera. Good to know that if I'd been unable to find the dots in my lenses, I could've later just snapped a pic in a dark closet and declared it a space shuttle photo.

If you wipe the dust off your monitor and look really closely while squinting, you might see the two dots placed vertically in the pic. I prefer to remember it in my heart.

Two flying objects. The vast outerness of space. The Final Frontier.

I leave you with something to ponder..."Space is almost infinite. As a matter of fact, we think it is infinite." Dan Quayle (Whoe maye stille be ponderinge this.)

I Feel the Need...to Read

I need to start a reading list because I keep coming across books I want to check out and then I forget them.

So, here's my reading list so far...

Baking Cakes in Kilgali
Man's Search For Meaning
The Hole in Our Gospel
The Blue Parakeet
Crazy Love - have read portions of it and listened to Chan's podcasts, but ready to read the thing!

I like books that challenge how I live out my faith. Specifically, I love books on missions or any topic that challenges me to think outside myself and my comfort zone.

I also love books set in Africa. Me and Jerry Maquire love us some...well, you know.

In fact, if you're looking for an incredible true story about Rwanda, I highly recommend Left To Tell. It's one of my all-time favorites. Amazing. I was in high school in 1994, worrying about making district in swimming and passing Pre-Cal while this woman witnessed her friends slaughtered and hid out for 91 days in a cramped bathroom.

So, if you've read any good books you could hardly put down, could you please comment and help me add to my reading list?

The Shack has been a best seller but I'm not sure it really hooked me. Did it start that way for you? Should I restart it? Is it sound material or bogus?

And while Francine Rivers and Dr. Seuss are some of my favorite authors, I think I'd mostly like to stick to nonfiction for now.

And I'm gonna add right now...I'm not really dying to sink my teeth into any vampire books, so no Edward Cullen for me.

Yet.

The Sunday Special

I just love these fellas...

Happy Sunday!

Highway to the Danger Zone

Tyler so dug the airplanes while we were at Lackland AFB, my Mom and I decided he might grow up to be a military pilot. He is so fascinated by airplanes, rarely does one pass by that he doesn't notice. This is a common outdoors pose for him.

His appetite for airplanes was fully satisfied with the rows of old American airplanes on display at the base. There were planes from WWII and Vietnam, along with some from more recent decades, like the F-16. Here is one pic where the boys paused long enough on their dash between planes for us to snap a quick pic.

They love each other.

This SR-71 was Brian's favorite...

My Dad told us a story about when he was in training and they took his team up on a mid-air re-fueling mission. The SR-71 was a fairly new plane, able to actually enter space and reach incredible speeds. Dad said they viewed the re-fueling take place underneathe them. As he watched, he suddenly went from seeing the plane to not seeing it at all. It was as if it simply went invisible, it was so fast.

Some days, I feel like that when I'm watching my boys in a public place. One minute they're there...the next, they're not. They are mini SR-71s.

As for Mom and me, we really related to the woman onboard this plane.

Being so versatile and all.

Anyhoo, after laying out Tyler's future, we then turned to Noah and asked what he wants to be when he grows up. With visions of NBA contracts, MD diplomas or maybe teaching certificates dancing in our heads, we eagerly anticipated his answer.

His answer?

A bowler.

And like any good professional athlete, he's already got his celebration dance worked out.

It seems he's got the turkey part of bowling down pat.

It's also clear he's got a long way to go to achieve his dream of the PBA, 'cause his genetics won't be any help at all...

And aside from our future family pics looking like this:

...complete with chest hair, I'll be giving up this dream, but so long as our boys are happy, living out their God given gifts and taking care of their families, we'll be proud of them.

And of these new kicks I'll be sporting...

They Call Him Flipper, Flipper...

Oh, my, if this didn't make me want to revisit my desire to be a dolphin trainer, I don't know what could.

And if getting a degree in Marine Biology is a requirement (uh, do you have to take science classes to get that?), then could I at least be that girl who stands next to the dolphin pool in the shade with a mic and every 27 seconds reminds dolphin enthusiasts not to lean too far over the wall? I'm pretty sure that doesn't require a degree. Just some sunscreen and some ability to sound assertive even while repeating the same obvious message 258 times a day.

The dolphin interaction was possibly my favorite part of Sea World. It was definitely the part I was most looking forward to. I was so excited to see the boys experience dolphins up close. Aside from paying $12 for 11 pieces of fish so we could own the opportunity to hand feed them (next time I am so sneaking in my own can of anchovies and if you don't believe me, oh how you don't know me), it was incredible to be in reach of such beautiful, sweet creatures. I swear, they wear a permanent smile on their cute little snouts. It was all I could do not to jump right in their pool and try to recreate what we'd seen in the dolphin performance three days before.

Except for the part where I'm pretty sure it would cause psychological harm for my kids to see Mommy get tasered and arrested because I think that could be the other reason that girl with the mic hangs around the dolphin pool.

She don't want no people trying to go all Flipper on her.

And, anyhow, that being tasered thing ain't no way to wrap up a vacation.

One thing's for sure, I definitely don't have a calling to work with these creatures...

The one in the background, not those in the foreground. I'll keep those. See that creepy gray creature swimming with the tank diver? I think that tank diver must've drawn the short straw that day. Because who calls home and says, "Hey, Mama! I got me a promotion! I spent four years of your money to earn my Marine Biology degree just so I can be eaten to death by a shark!"

Ask me how I would never want to die and being eaten alive by a shark is in my top three. Always. Actually, my answer the last time this came up was, "Experiencing a lot of turbulence right before my plane plunges into the sea. I survive for days while my fellow passengers are eaten alive and while I get sun blisters on my lips. Eventually, I get eaten, too."

THAT is my worst fear. Ooh, how I shudder.

It was Shark Week on the Discovery Channel while we were in San Antonio and I spent a good part of one day, sick and stuck at the hotel, watching every shark show that came on. Even after all those shows, I couldn't tell you what kind this shark is, but I can tell you that bull sharks can transition to fresh water habitats (which, after hearing that, I've pretty much limited myself and my offspring to jaunts in the neighborhood pool and some slip n slide) and that mako sharks wear smiles on their faces.

But not because they are friendly like our smiling dolphin friends. But because their teeth are so large they don't fit in their mouth and because they want to eat you.

Okay, so Discovery didn't go that far, but still. I may not have a big degree in Marine stuff, but I do have some deductive reasoning in me. As in, big teeth on a shark means big bite out of my torso. I see it in their beady little eyes. It's like I'm anointed or something. The Holy Spirit came upon me and told me I would not want to mess with a shark. Or feed it $12 fish and stroke its snout.

I just hope the Holy Spirit told that diver in the tank to pack himself some heat. As in, a taser gun. Do they teach that in Marine Biology?